In An Attempt To Move On
by to overdose on earl grey
Summary: I cannot stay amongst those I have failed. I am surrounded by myself here. Surrounded by all I cannot do, consumed. Not only causing myself strife, but burdening those around me. Warning: depression, rape, yaoi.
1. My Decision

I can't do this anymore. I can't live, looking into the eyes of those people who expect so much; people whom I have promised so much that I simply cannot deliver.

Although I've only 'guaranteed' these unattainable things to a few, I have failed all. Everyone I spend time around; who spends time around me, has been ripped off. I have spent three years making nothing but ludicrous statements. I will become Hokage. I will be the strongest. I will bring back Sasuke. I will protect my friends. Fuck me. Who am I to walk around as if I own all; as if I am worthy of owning any. I can't keep what little I actually get a hold of. Putting up a front around others, around my own self, that I can fix all that is wrong with the world. That I am simply unbreakable.

I cannot stay amongst those I have failed. I am surrounded by myself here. Surrounded by all I cannot do, consumed. Not only causing myself strife, but burdening those around me. I'm sure sensei could do without having to constantly train someone hopeless. Sakura could do without my constant bothering, getting in the way of her progression, constantly raising her hopes of regaining Sasuke in her life, yet always being defeated. I refuse to waste Kakashi's time, or cause Sakura any more pain.

I wonder if I am capable of becoming happy.

It can't hurt to try.

That is a lie.

Oh well.


	2. His Resolve

In his apartment, Naruto left a small note on his, or rather, used-to-be his, dining table. The essential message was that he was leaving, not coming back, and that the village wouldn't have to put up with him anymore. When Sakura had finally gone looking for him, due to a lack of his presence and overall quietness of the village, she had apparently passed out. Well, one thing led to another, and I received the news of Naruto's disappearance from Kakashi.

Of course, this information is not exactly top secret. Like the village's favorite idiot/defender suddenly disappearing in a silent fit of extremely uncharacteristic behavior could be contained. In fact, I intend to spread this information farther.

Naruto is, in fact, one of the most important people to the Leaf village, and of course, someone has to bring him back from his most idiotic action yet. This person is not me. My willpower cannot rival his, much less alter a decision he has made. There is one person I know of with a will strong enough to overpower his. Although this is the person that most likely broke his; the cause of this scenario.

I, Hyuuga Negi, am about to plead to Uchiha Sasuke for help. He will most likely brush me off, and claim he does not care. I will return to my home without much change to the current situation. Yet, I also know this will stick in Sasuke's mind, circulating for a bit, until the guy freaks out and goes after his friend.

**hope**

Things do not go as I had expected. Uchiha did not apathetically shoo me away, in fact, quite the opposite. For some reason, he is interested in what I have to say. He leans in slightly as I tell him all I know about the situation, and I begin to wonder if this will be less drawn out then I had originally expected.

However, Sasuke views this slightly more sadistically than one would hope. He already knows I have come here looking for help, and tells me I don't need to ask.

"I want to see how this plays out."


	3. My Futility

I still wonder how I always manage to fuck shit up so much; it's always from the pot to the flame. This situation is what most would call, worse than the last. I do not agree. In this case, I'm the only one affected. This fact reassures me, however it does not make me feel better the way I feel that it should. I actually kind of wish I'd just stayed and- No. I still prefer this over torturing my precious people.

I use thoughts of them as a temporary distraction from my current position, and let my mind drift off. I love the thought of things being easier for them. Sakura-chan must be happier without having her hopes raised up and thrown down time and time again. Her social life is probably better as well without the most hated person in Konoha constantly next to her. I have to hold back a smirk at the thought of Kakashi curling up in a pile of hentai, never to return. I think of Sasuke pursuing his ambition without my constant disturbances, and a sore satisfaction spreads throughout me, thinking that maybe, for once in my life, that I have made him happy. These thoughts, however negative, still offer some relief towards any doubts that leaving was the right thing to do, and a distraction.

I am jerked away from my thoughts as the most disgusting feeling in the world jolts up my spine, and I can't decide what the worst thing about it is; the fact that the physical aspect of this feeling is something that should be pleasing, or that I have grown accustomed to this feeling of violation.

The thought that it's me instead of someone else comforts me when all is said and done, yet as it all does down there is nothing that can distract me, and nothing that can numb the feeling of defilement. Hell, there's nothing that can make me feel clean ever. Not when I can still feel large, coarse hands roaming over me in a sick frenzy, leaving no part of me immaculate, long after I've been left to myself.

Over the past- well I don't know how long, considering I've been locked in a room the whole time, I have realized exactly how fucking _puny_I am. When I first regained consciousness, I tried to fight back and free myself; however, just as when I had been captured in the first place, everything I did was futile. Everything I did was futile; the story of my life. I no longer fight this. I am done attempting the impossible.

**Disgust**

I allow myself to slide down from my sitting position, until I am lying against the cold floor, and close my eyes. I do not sleep; I have not slept since I woke up here, no, just closed my eyes and tried my best to relax, to no avail. The lack of sleep doesn't bother me though. Sleep lost its impact years ago. Without dreams, it's really just another state of being; a meaningless fog. Just like everything else.

I wish I could say my mind has gone into the abyss, but it hasn't; my mind is working clearly, processing everything perfectly, and lingering on it. I am I wish my mind would go blank, or better yet, just disappear. I wish I would disappear.


End file.
